she who hesitates

I just love this fortune that Neel got in his cookie Friday night! How wonderful is that?

Unfortunately, on Saturday, that fortune felt like it was meant for me. Last week I came across an opportunity to take a photography workshop with two women whose work I very much admire. It was a dream-come-true kind of thing, really.

But a lot of money. Especially to spend on something that doesn't generate any real income for our family.

Neel was incredibly supportive, and I had friends and other family who were too. Everyone I told about the workshop said that it was a chance I should reach for with both hands. I could feel myself getting excited, but I wanted to sit with the idea for just a bit. While an incredible deal and an incredible, indescribable opportunity, for our family, it was still a lot of money. I needed to think about it.

On Saturday afternoon, I got word that the workshop sold out. In 36 hours. It was a bitter blow.

I was devastated. She who hesitates is lost.

In some ways, I don't have regrets. I am not a professional photographer, so I can't regret taking some time to think about spending money like that on myself. We are not in a position to shell some major coin on a whim. But I had the support of my husband, both emotional and financial. I had the support of family and friends and the knowledge that I could earn the money for the workshop. The devastating truth is that part of my hesitation, while it had its roots in dollars and cents, was also born of doubt of my own self worth here. Do I deserve to go? Am I good enough to go? So yeah, the biggest part of my hesitation was fear.

I am so not happy about that. I'm not happy about a lot of things right now, but I know that I never want to be in this place again. I never want to miss an opportunity like this because I think I'm not good enough or I don't deserve it. Because I'm afraid to take the leap.

Other chances will come along (although Neel, to his chagrin has learned that that is not what I want to hear just yet!), and we've talked about how important it's become to me to hone this craft of mine. Not just here, but to travel and to mingle with new people and to be out in the world on my own. Next time, I can only hope that when the chance comes along, my arms and heart are open wide to grab it.

In the meantime, there are some exciting changes behind the scenes here at still+life. I'm busy. For the rest of the week, I'll just be posting a photo a day, but my hope is to have us up and running again near Thanksgiving. Either before or after. Depending on how things go. Changes are afoot! I'll be back for reals on Friday with my Five Things. Thanks for stopping by.

Comments

[Mark]

Whenever something that I want passes me by, I always figure that it wasn't meant to be. That thought helps.m.

[Miche]

Put the money back that you would have spent on it (or at least some of it), and add to it when you can. Then, next time, you're there, baby!

[Igor]

Have a great and happy week, Lauren! I love the quote, too. It's sooooo true!! This kinda needs to be printed and placed right on my desk as a daily reminder! Hugs from Munich, Igor xoxo

[Mary Jane]

Is there such a thing as a waiting list?

[val]

Hi Lauren I read your post, : ( I am sorry you missed that chance, and I know you do not want to hear but more chances will come.This was not meant for you.

I love the fortune that Neel got, but rember it was his fortune cookie.I am sure the one meant for you said: To live a creative life we must loose our fear of being wrong. by JW.And like the quote says:Always belive that something wonderful is about to happen.

I wish you a better weekVal

[tammie]

maybe the whole point of this was that you needed to learn that you DO deserve to do things for yourself, without hesitation....glad you figured it out, cause next time you'll be ready!!

p.s. and good for you for having a supportive husband..i do too and it's quite a gift. sometimes he believes in me more than i believe in myself..

[Neel]

Great, now it's my fortune cookie. You are right however, these are not transferable. I told Lauren that I am going to give the fortune cookie quote to the medical students I teach; words for them to live by.

[Teri @beachcitylifestyle]

Hi Lauren-Sorry you didn't get the chance to take the class. But, I have a feeling more opportunities will come your way. Stay positive and the possibilities are endless! Plus, you already have a camera in hand and that is the best way to learn, in my opinion.Have a great day! Teri

[annabel]

Ah that's made me feel sad! What a shame you didn't get on. I know what you mean about spending money on things like that but I think these things are investments in ourselves and our happiness and that makes everyone around us happy.

I'm looking forward to seeing your photos, and I do agree with Teri that taking lots of photos is a lesson in itself. Also analysing other people's photos, why you like them, what makes them work, and all of that is free :)

[Heather / It's So Suburban]

Oh, sorry :( Something bigger and better must be on the way for you!

[lenya]

I can't wait to see the changes Lauren! Hang in there about the course, everything happens for a reason and I am sure another chance will be just around the corner! Lenya x

[Heather]

Lauren, that fortune made me chuckle with the irony. It really resonated with me to at the moment. I'm sorry you didn't get to go, that stinks! I know you'll have the chance again and you'll take it! For the record, I would have hesitated too.

I can't wait to see the changes! SO Exciting!!!!

xo H

[Catherine Bedson]

Hi Lauren,

You're on a journey...you'll take what you need from this experience and grow from it.

Smiles Catherine

[Noreen]

Hi Lauren,You do deserve to spend money on yourself, and you CAN and already do amazing things with your camera. I agree with those who said, "Go next time." That opportunity will come again. And you won't waste the time in between.

I think you were very wise to stop and consider if it was a worthwhile expenditure, NOT whether YOU were worth spending the money on.

Joy and peace,Noreen

[Peter]

Hi Lauren,

Not commenting that much lately, but still following your posts.

Don't forget YOU're worth it, and I don't mean products by L'Oreal, but the chances you get in life. Next time you make the decision and afterwards you'll know mif it's the right one. Not everything has to be a moneymaker, self worth is priceless.

[leah of sang the bird]

"this too shall pass" {one of my favourite quotes}, and now you are beginning to realise your self worth... you will take the leap. Take care and do something nice for yourself xxx

[jacquie whitt]

The fact that it sold out while you were still contemplating could be a divine sign that this was not the right class for you. Who knows what other opportunities are lurking in your future? Hang tight, "O deserv-ed one!"

[Andrea Victoria]

Hang in there, Lauren. Sometimes things work out just the way they are supposed - even though in the moment it might not feel like it. If anything, it just shows you that you've got your family's support both financial and emotionally - having them behind you is worth more than anything =)

[liz]

Lauren, it sounds as if something more important might be waiting for you...perhaps this workshop may have left you unavailable for another opportunity? Just saying...just keep working that camera, girl!

[Michelle]

Sorry you missed that opportunity, Lauren. Maybe this means something better will be coming along! That definitely happens sometimes...maybe not to me. But, definitely for other people. :-P

[Emily]

Finally getting caught up on my blog reading!! This sounds like me to a T as well....there are some blog coferences I really want to attend and I'm really paranoid that i'm not "enough" of a blogger or deserve to go...like there will always be people there who are pro's. I'm sorry this chance passed you by but something else will come along - what is meant to be will be. :)

[Lauren]

Emily, I vote we plan on going to a blogging conference together! Those things are always best tackled in pairs! xo

[Lindsey Morningstar]

Oh I know this feeling all too well. I might even know which photography workshop you're talking about (was it in Charleston??) I had a similar thought when I read about amazing trips that I just can't afford at the moment. Instead of focusing on what I missed, I try to make my own little adventures around my neighborhood like interviewing local store owners or talking with a creative friend to get the ideas going.